Triggers
“Triggers”
by Nicole Costa
I’m sorry Aunty
We are not
The enemies
This is just
Old energy
It’s not you
And
It’s not me
Triggering
Our histories
We love
So deep
And
It’s not
Always seen
Reminding us
Of
Past memories
But
We can
Rewrite
The stories
Anything we
Want to be
I forgive you
Can you
Forgive me
We are fighting
Our demons
In the presence
Of
Each other
Sometimes
We take it
Personal
Take it out on
One another
I’m out here
In the streets
Fighting you
When really
I’m up against
My mother
I’m out here
Fighting her
But
I’m really
Fighting you
Mom
Cause she
Treats me
Like you do
Mom
Triggers me
Until I’m blue
Mom
Just like you
Mom
Calls me
The same names
Threatens me
Like you
Mom
Angry
That I’m
Back on
The streets
Mom
It reminds me
Of
When I was
Thirteen
Mom
She shows me
What I need
To see
Mom
That I’m
Still angry
With you
Mom
Can we ever
Heal the past
Can you ever
Admit the truth
I know it’s hard
To acknowledge
But
In order to heal
We must
Go through it
I’m sorry that
Your father passed
When you were
Just a little girl
I’m sorry
That Ma raised you
Different from me
And that
I’ll never truly know
She was my rock
And my
Guiding light
So I could never
Enter into
How difficult
She was to you
And
How much of her
Has molded me
That’s why we fight
It’s not too late
When we die
She takes responsibility
On the other side
She told me that
I had a long way
To go with you
And Ma
Was that true
I’m sorry
That your sister died
In tragedy
When she was young
That you were not
Allowed to cry
Buried emotions
Deep inside
Where pain
And sickness
Now reside
I’m sorry
That you were
Never shown
The proper love
From a man
And truth
Made known
That you deserve
And are
Worthy of love
And that our gifts
Were not a curse
But a blessing
From above
I’m sorry
For the pain
You wore
A lifetime of silence
That you bore
Trying to raise
Five children
On your own
With no education
No money
No love
The remnants
Of
A broken home
I’m sorry that
My sister got sick
What a crazy
Time for us
Not knowing WTF
As if
All the trauma prior
Was not already
Enough
Just when you thought
We were finally free
The Devil
Bound this family
Drove me out
To the streets
Barely a teenager
That year
I lost everything
But
It hurt the most
When I
Lost my sister
She loved me
She was my protector
But
I had to go
I had to leave her
So stop trying
To deceive her
I hiked the Giant
Just the other day
Hidden memories
Came up
Of when
We used to play
Climbing walls
Barefoot
That was your way
Grandmother Isle
Is showing me
That there was
A brief time
When we were
Actually friends
In this lifetime
Is it possible Lin
To ever make amends
Or will you wait
To crossover
Like the others
My spirit
Sisters and Brothers
Our greatest enemies
Are now my teachers
The Ancestors
Are showing me
All the things
I need to see
The parts of you
The parts of me
That separate us
From the love
We need
The love of self
It’s hard to see
When all of life
We ate of
The bitter
Now it’s time
To drink
The sweetness
Of
The nectar
If we put in
The work
Be willing to go
A little deeper
Hummingbird Spirit
Teaches
Long suffering
And
Patience
Learning appreciation
And
How to be present
Looking back
I don’t know
How we did it
But we managed
To get through it
In the absence
Of
Each other
Inner strength
We never knew it
Made to feel weak
When we were strong
They killed the flesh
Mom
But not the song
We’ve got to
Own it
Got to heal it
Got to speak
Our truth
Time to reveal it
I forgive you
I forgive me
Can you do
The same
No more denial
No more blame
No longer will
We be shamed
The world
Will know our names
We had to be the men
Time to step into
The Divine Feminine
Let go of
The harshness
And
The ego
From the masculine
Let the beauty shine
From within
Remember when we
Never swore
Wore dresses
And baked
The famous round
It feels like
Another lifetime ago
Isn’t forty years enough
For me to be
In the wilderness
Wandering around
I had to get lost
In order to be found
Even
The children of Israel
Got delivered
After four decades
Of
Unlearning behaviors
Releasing triggers
Remember when
You tucked me in
Read me stories
Washed my feet
Gave me
Butterfly kisses
Do you ever
Miss us
Do you ever
Miss me
I know you tried
But I will
No longer accept
The lies
Do you ever wonder
Who and where
I am
It’s been so long
But
I’m coming home
To my authentic self
That has sat
Upon the shelf
For way too long
Mom
I write these words
I will sing
This healing song
To heal our hearts
From all the pain
For all the decades
We’ve spent apart
If we are honest
We’ll admit
We both were
Wrong
Move forward
From the past
By forgiving
Not by forgetting
Validating one another
By remembering
Releasing and Transmuting
Not by arguing
Or
Disputing
Laying down
The weapons
Of
Our words
The verdict is in
The trial is over
And so is
The Judge’s reign
Can we forgive him
Commuting
A lifetime sentence
Imposed on
All of us
Our own individual
Karmic lessons
For who we were
And were not
The shadow
Of each
Ancestral lineage
We all
Had to bear it
Though each path
Was different
Not one of us
Was exempt
We were just
Too hurt
Too see it
Forgive
Again and again
Until we finally
Believe it
Free ourselves
So that we can
Fully receive it
The blessings
Of
Peace and love
They ask for our
Forgiveness
They are still
Learning and healing
From above
And so below
The mercy
Of
The dove
Can we bestow
Can we ever
Fully let go
Of all
That triggers
Of all
That we know
Marked by
The anniversary
Of
Ma’s death
Fourteen years ago
At 3:33 am
I cast it all
Upon this full moon
To the mutable
Earth sign
In the sixth house
Of
Virgo