Big Sister

“Big Sister”

by Nicole Costa

I spent a lifetime

Searching

For the cure

But

I had to bury

So much

That I forgot

What it all

Was for

Now here I am

Surrounded

By

Coconut trees

Mother Nature’s milk

It’s her elixir

And

She is reminding me

Of

Childhood memories

In the city

In the ghetto

We used to drum

On pans and pots

We created

The Coconut Song

Jammin loud

Til we’d get caught

I can see now

That you planted

These seed thoughts

But

Now I am grown

And

I sing alone

Underneath the palm trees

By the soccer field

Beside the sea

Sometimes

Everything changes

But

Some things never do

And

That’s the road

To knowing

The patterns

Of

Me and you

The cycles

We have to break

Only then

Will we fully

Be awake

Recently

I had to sell

My drum

And then

I remembered

Our Coconut Song

And

All the fun

We had

Banging on

Those pots and pans

Cause we were poor

But

We didn’t understand

Now

I’m on an island

Fishing with the line

Working with the aina

And

She is reminding me

Of

Our younger times

Inspiring me

To rhythm again

Deep healing

Taking place

With the pen

We used to kick it

Down the river

Railroad tracks

You and I

Big sister

Run away train

Dreamt of never

Coming back

And

What life

Would look like

If we were free

From constant attack

You taught me

To take a stand

And

Not to follow

Drinking beer

Smoking cigarettes

Down the Hollow

Pinky swore

We wouldn’t tell

But then

One day

You fell

In agony

Into the pits

Of

Hell

On the day

That you had fallen

I had stepped into

My calling

Thank you

For pushing me

To leave

So long ago

Looking back

I can see

The role you played

In my journey

All along

Just so you know

You helped this bird

To fly the nest

A lifetime of travel

Never having

A fixed place

To rest

I’m sorry

You got left behind

One day

You’ll realize

It was out

Of

My hands

It was all

In

Divine time

They drove me away

Kept me from returning

Rended my heart

I hid

That deep yearning

It was never mine

To change

Though I’ve tried

I can’t do the work

For them

Their hands

Are still tied

Big sister

You prepped me

For a lifetime

Of

Battle

I remember the days

You taught me

To stand up

For myself

And

Find my voice

You forced me

To fight back

You gave me

No choice

You packed my bags

And

You pushed me away

I heard you whisper

Baby bird

You’re gonna fly

This broken nest

Someday

We ran away

And

Look at me today

How far

I have flown

But

You were never known

They cut your wings

Stole your song

So you don’t sing

Feed you lies

About me

That I was wrong

But

I will not

Let you be forgotten

I will be your voice

I will tell your story

You receive

The Purple Heart

You will get

Your glory

You once believed

In me

You were willing

To die

To set me free

I spent decades

Searching

For the cure

For

The brain damage

That was done

In 1994

A lot of mystery

In this family history

Even if

You don’t see it

You don’t believe it

You were the reason

So we have to

Keep believing

Cause this

I promise

One day

We will have

Our season

We will

Take the medicine

We will be

Whole again

Just like

Our younger days

We will be friends

Again

Letting go

Of

All the suffering

We will make amends

I may not be there

In body

But

I AM

In spirit

If you get out

Of

Your head

And

Into your heart space

You can hear it

The echo

Of

This bird’s call

“I love you

Too much it hurts

Babydoll!”